Random Thoughts (2)

It's been really quite a while. A little more than 2 months actually. That's not too good, but I've been really busy settling into my "new life". Which has been anything but inspiring, exciting or the least bit fun. But anyways, right now, I'm having one of those moments where my head is filled with, or rather congested with, so many thoughts about anything and everything, I feel I can't breathe. Heh. A little drama lah, but I think you get the idea.

The place I'm schooling at, is SO SQQQUUUAARRREEE. Everyone's soooo SQQUUAARRREE, it's freaky. Everyone, except my friends, that is. And sadly, that list is not at all exhaustive, so you can imagine what a horrid time I am having on a daily basis, ya? However, this phase, otherwise known as training is essential to make me better at whatever I am about to undertake as my career, so I've got to just grit my teeth and remind myself that I just have about 6 months more to go. (Right, Luke?!.. that's 2 of us crossing our oppressed fingers, ya?!)

I miss NUS. I thought I might never say this, but YES, I do. The 3 years of comfort and familiarity have all been chucked away so quickly to make way for this new square place, that it makes me so uncomfortable. Thank God for the sub-club because of which I've been in NUS quite a bit in the past 3 weeks, and I ain't complaining. Nope, not a word. Yes, I am tired out by all the travelling, but hey, everything from home, to NUS, to this square place is all in the West, so really, I shouldn't even be breathing a word of complaint. Anyhows, I'm just glad that I still can get my cuppa at YIH as and when I wish. I still have familiar faces I can say hi to at the Arts Canteen and oh, I wish these familiar faces all the very best as they move on to complete their undergrad courses. =) At the end of the day, NUS still feels like the home I can return to. As the cab drove past Temasek Hall that day, when I was on my way to meet Jo, I felt like taking a walk back to C208, the room that was ALL MINE, the semester before. But I decided against it, for I wouldn't know what to do, when I got there. The message to take home is this: Memories, no matter how big or small, are still memories nevertheless. And these memories, unlike the days that pass so quickly are there to stay in the deep recesses of our minds. Thank God for that.

Emptiness. It's a concept I never really had to deal with. But now I feel as though I KNOW what it really feels like to be empty, and void. I don't know why, but it feels like that time of the year, when you just feel as though you want to be, or need to be depressed. It happens to me on a yearly basis, I don't know how many of you experience it too. It's a period of a couple of weeks when everything around me feels so BLEAH, that it makes me feel BLEAH too. I go through my daily motions without really even wanting to get out of bed in the morning. I think this happens to everyone who doesn't enjoy school, but somehow this is worse because it translates to everything I do, throughout the day! And what's even stranger is that little things that happen will make me smile, like a nice song on the MP3 player or someone returning my smile on the MRT, but the smile just stops there. It doesn't create a happy feeling in me. I guess this is what they mean by an empty smile. But don't get me wrong, I am not pretending to smile, I really am smiling, but it's more like a motion than a physical representation of my true state of mind. And the whole day passes by in a blur. Then, whole days pass by in a blur, then weeks. SIGH. Am in such a horribly melancholic mood, I think I've put you in one too. Sorry.

I also need to talk about this SHE in my life, someone who has been for the past 20 years actually. She has always been my source of quiet strength, my outlet of frustration, my confidante. And then a while ago, she decided I just wasn't important enough and she chose to walk out of my life and my home. Not completely, but it might as well have been. The occasional phone-calls and meet-ups just ain't enough, Pretty. We've lost out on more than a year of each others' lives. I miss you more and more. I wish I could run back home to tell you what a shitty day I had. I never dreamt that there would come a time when I would wonder if you'd eaten and if you had somewhere safe to sleep because your somewhere safe used to be just next to me. I don't know what you are doing on a daily basis, and that scares me. Because for 19 over years, I knew almost every single detail of your day, and inevitably you knew mine cuz I couldn't fall asleep without telling you. Just last night, I couldn't sleep and I ended up replaying those nights in my head - nights when both of us couldn't sleep and we would holler at the top of our voices, silly boyband songs or songs we made up on our own. There were times we would tease each other about the weird boys we had crushes on or whom we went out with. I still remember those times we would cover-up for each other so that we wouldn't get into trouble with Mum and Dad. And how about those times we would fight cuz one claimed Ah B loved them more than the other. I still remember how proud I was of you when you stood by me when I got unfairly scolded by my teacher; I felt so loved, so blessed and I was so darn proud to show you off. Even when there were moments when you did things that made me less than proud, I would nag or scold, but you were and still are my little sister. My little sister I am and will always be proud of. My little unpolished gem that I pray for and bless with all my love. My star, in the day and at night, whom I know still cares in her own special way, and who still and always will light up my path, if and when I do get lost. But, Pretty, I miss your presence. I miss your hollering. I miss our almost daily fights about anything from food to bags and clothes. I just miss you. so much.

For those who've never heard me talk about my family or my sister, this entry may be a little shocking, and I apologize. Just feels right to say all these now. Guess in my own way, I needed a reason to cry, to move on. To get out of this depresso mood. We'll see, when the sun comes up tomorrow. It'll be a brand new day, a brand new week, my fourth, in the square place. That's a saddening thought in itself. But, hey, life goes on.

Just a final note and this is for a few special friends of mine: Some of you are going through a rough patch, and I guess you guys know who you are. I just want to say that each one of you is a star that deserves to shine real bright, so don't let anyone or anything stop you. Those of you who have more than one thing troubling you, just remember that there IS a light at the end of every tunnel, and KNOW that you're going to make it. And yes, I will try my bestest to be with you on your walk through this tunnel and we'll reach the light at the end of it. Some of you, who prefer doing THE WALK alone, that's ok, cuz you know that I'm there at the end, waiting and cheering you on, waiting to receive you with open arms, very much like YOU did when I was walking through that same tunnel not too long ago. Thank you and God Bless!