One of those days...

It's one of those nights where I find myself sitting in front of the lappy trying to get some last-minute work done, but to no avail. This disease called 'procrastination' is going to kill me, I tell you. I don't know what it is, that gives me the courage to push things to the very last minute. Then, I get all grumpy and moody thinking about how I could have gotten things done earlier without having to go crazy under the stress of rushing to meet a deadline. And times like right now, when I should be working like mad, getting the job done, I suddenly cannot function. Perhaps, because I choose not to. But why? ...

Needed to get that out of my system. I just need to work harder on meeting deadlines and starting the process of meeting them earlier than I normally do. I need to really stop procrastinating. If that doesn't kill me, I don't know what else will, considering the nature of my job.

The week passed by so quickly, I'm amazed. I did get my much needed rest and I'm pretty fired up to do some educating coming week, but I somehow still feel really unsettled and squeamish about going to work. I am not entirely comfortable too. Perhaps, it'll get better with time and I have still got lots to learn, so I should try not to think too much and take things a little at a time.

Tonight's been a night of catching up with old friends. One, a JC classmate, who is oh-so-different from me, but we click real well. Another, also a JC classmate, my "best fren" from the looney bin. Also, 2 fellow Capoeiristas. There's this sense of loss and yearning for Time to turn its hands back a few years so I can relive the many memories I share with these people, especially my JC classmates.

My looney partner in madness is someone I never fail to think about all the time; someone I always miss; someone I see in some of my funny, intelligent and bad-ass boys. He was my star in school, the person I'd look forward to seeing and whose absence would mean a dull and moody day. He was the mad cap of a guy to everyone else, but somehow the both of us clicked in more ways than one. I could tell him almost everything; we could talk about anything under the sun, and we would still be able to talk on the phone after a long day at school, spent with each other. He still is one of those really few people, who without me having to verbalise my thoughts, knows exactly what I'm thinking or feeling, though I might say otherwise because it scares me just how well he knows me. I will never forget the days he was my guardian angel in school when I needed someone with me physically, to see me through the day. And he did all of this, by doing nothing special or extraordinary. He was just being himself. And he is someone I will never fail to miss and remember. Well, he is not really want to be forgotten, anyways.

My Capoeiristas.. wow. It's funny how close yet so far away from them I feel at this point. Just last night I was unduly upset over something Capoeira-related. And I felt perhaps the most distant, since a few months ago. As I'm writing this, one of my closest friends, a Capoeirista too, is having a housewarming party that I am not at. If it was back then, when I was still in Capoeira, I would've been there, maybe even the earliest person there, at the drop of a hat. Somehow, things are different now. I am different now. I do know deep inside that I do want that part of my life back because it was so suddenly and rudely snatched away from me. But I don't feel a strong enough drive to make it happen. I am perhaps thinking too much about what others will say or make me feel, but I am also worried about myself and whether or not my body is up to it. I also, more often than not, think about the community that gathers there and I realise that i reminisce about the old times and sometimes wish things hadn't changed so much. But these things are out of our control because they involve just too many people with different perspectives and mind-sets. At the end of the day, when we reach a point, like I have right now, I need to decide for myself, what is best for me. And right now, the best still has Capoeira as part of the plans. I shall start small and work at it. I've got to because it's one of the few things that makes me happy from the inside and I haven't felt that way since Sept 2005.

On a totally random thought: I am really quite different now. I used to be set that I do not want to get married and have a family and all that. But of late, I have started thinking about how having someone in my life sounds like a good idea. I'm not going to jump up and start hunting fellas down, but I know now that my mind's open to the possibility of a relationship again and I'm going to try to stop shooting guys down at first sight. Ha. I still believe in Fate and Destiny and am gonna let them work their magic. I have a lot of work to do on myself, so I am going to take all the time I can get to make myself ready for someone else to accept me as I am. Wish me luck, people.

Shout-outs:

1. DollieShi: I honestly missed you crazily when we didn't have the chance to meet up before Sept 1st. And I love how the both of us had our special 'teachers' day dinner' together, without really planning for it to be that way. I love how we can have our quiet moments during the drive home and it never feels like someone should say something to break the silence. I appreciate how I can tell you anything and know you don't judge me like many others do. I think it's funny how the same things catch our eyes and we laugh about them at the same time. It's crazy how I turn all giggly and girly when I'm with you (though it seems to gross certain PEOPLE out). It's only right that we're movie buddies, just because. Ha. ShiShi, thank you for always brightening up my day/week incidentally or accidentally. Dollie Hugs!

2. My moJO: Ha! We haven't met up in a while, but you're never forgotten. Lunch/dinner soon. Loads to catch up on.

3. Dar: I don't think you read my blog anymore (can't blame you because it's almost a dinosaur now) but just wanna say that you're missed. You know, I think of you at the strangest times, I don't know why. Maybe it's a weird connection of somesort. We NEED to have that coffee. And my dear, you owe me a pair of RED/PURPLE FBT shorts.

4. Bestie: I know there's been quite a bit of shit you've had to deal with lately. Just know that you're always and forever my hero k? You're still capable of re-births no matter what. i guarantee that (only because I am the only one who can do that). Love, follow your heart; it'll lead you right to your destiny. And make sure that I'm not the last to know, AGAIN. This one can strangle, really. EVERYTHING in our lives is on a NEED-TO-KNOW basis, you hear? ONE MORE TIME u pull any funny stunts, you just watch out, I tell you. The inner gangster is best kept inside, k? ;)

5. Pescador: I haven't been there for you of late. (You haven't been here too! Kiddiiinnnn) With us, it's real different now, cuz we don't see each other every day like we used to. And believe it or not, I'm still getting used to it, some days. I miss those days when we were just a block away. I realise we never talk about it, but I miss that a lot. I miss how I could tell you everything a split second after they happen and how we always bitch about stuff and it always ends up with "...but, ..." (you know what I mean). I know that we've got each others' backs always and that's my consolation. I'm sorry I couldn't be at the housewarming but I'll come warm the house soon, I promise. Be good and stay safe.

6. Ah B: I saved the best for last. You have been my inspiration, baby, since the day you were born. I love you so so so so much and even that doesn't say everything. You're growing up so fast, it scares me sometimes. I now realise that I can't protect you from everything. You'll make your mistakes and learn from them. But always remember, that I'll be here to catch you. And baby, thank you for always being honest with me and admitting your mistakes and always making sure I see mine.You're the only one who can do that. I'm sorry about her but somethings in Life have to go a certain way and they're not in our control. Just know that I'm gonna be here for you always. Thank you, Ah B, most of all, for all the little things you do that make me fall in love with you all over again - buying me breakfast, commenting on my outfits, always asking how my day went in school, bugging me to play with you, telling me I'm not fat on days I'm feeling insecure - thank you for being the greatest little brother I could've ever prayed for. I love you.